Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
