My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
