break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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