wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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