Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
