We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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