apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
