Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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