Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
