What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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