weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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