Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
