sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
