things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
