Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
