I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
even my farts smell like vagina
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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