dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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