I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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