I looked at my own cervix.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
