i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
