i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
