k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
