Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
