Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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