She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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