saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
