the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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