please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
