I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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