My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
