Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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