I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
