Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
