after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
