And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I woke up under a house in Key West
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