bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
