Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
