it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
