I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
vagina is talking i cant
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
