bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
