I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
