I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
