I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
why do cheetos always look like penises
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
