She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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