my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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