My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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