I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
