You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Two words: blizzard sex
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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