I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
