I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
As shirtless as possible
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
